a quiet update

i apologize for falling off the face of blog-earth. Things have been a little tough around here. i am adjusting to a job i do not like, and do not plan on being at for much longer if anything else comes through. Above that, Master and i have not participated in much kink at all. Even sex has drastically decreased. i miss it, i miss Him in that way and i hate things as they are now. i feel guilty for putting pressure on Him; in every way including financial.

i knew it would be a change, i just has no idea what we would be in for.

i used to look forward to our upcoming vacation to Mexico (paid in full by my rents) as an exciting trip. That outlook has changed. Now i see it as 9 days where we will not have to pay for food. 9 days where we will not use gas or electricity. 9 days were maybe i won’t worry so much about money.

i no longer sleep with His collar at night, chained to the bed. It sort of fell by the wayside amidst everything going on. All the have-to’s trump the want-to’s, i guess. i don’t think Master desires me sexually anymore and i don’t blame Him: i can’t keep up with things working at this place, my mind is not where He needs it to be in order to be sexually fulfilled.

i would love to be touched in some other way, just to be (insert my real name here) and to be safe with Him anyway, needed and desired.

…and another thing

i don’t think i’m too naive but perhaps i am. i had no earthly idea that the relocation to move with Master would be as complex and intense as it has been. Maybe i underestimated the amount of change i was facing because otherwise, i would scare myself silly.

Now that i am finally employed, i am facing all new changes. New people, new workplace, new rules, hours, commute. That’s fine, i’m slowly adjusting to that. On the positive side, at the end of the day i feel as if i am contributing to Master’s household and that makes me feel so much better.

At the end of a long work day, i now come home to a different job. Finally, i am employed full time as well as being a full time slave… first in my life. i have to learn that when i come home at the end of the day, this house is my responsibility. Beyond that, i am to serve and please Him.

i did terribly last night. i was so stressed before/during and even after my first day that i was flat out exhausted last night. i came home to fresh flowers and dinner being made by Master. He was so thoughtful and supportive. Yet at the end of the night when He said He wanted a blow job, i just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

We spoke about it and ironed it out but i still am sensitive to the fact that i didn’t come through last night. i know that i am not super super slave and don’t claim to be, but i wish i was. i know that i will even out with work…get back into the schedule…adjust and thus will implement everything.

i just had no idea it would be this complicated!

alien…nation

It’s hard to believe that it has been a week since i’ve written here. Last week was difficult- dad had left and i received another rejection letter on the job front. i had begun to give into feelings of depression. i began to nap during the day. It was during a nap on Wednesday that i received an offer for a position.

i’m glad that it finally worked out. The pay cut i have taken is tremendous. i’m no longer being paid Baltimore wages. i wish I could just let myself relax and be happy. i finally have a job that will bring in extra cash to the house and cover me medically. Yet my ego is bruised because i feel like this job is beneath me.

On top of that- tomorrow is my first day and i’m nervous as fuck. i am not very strong in myself and when i’m the new girl on the block i tend to be even more self conscious. i predict that tomorrow, all day, i will feel like a walking alien on earth.

i also predict that tonight, again, i will have dreams about being back in high school and forgetting my class schedule as well as my locker combination.

i am looking forward to returning back to a living slave again. The adjustment period has been tough on that part of me. This afternoon, over lunch, i asked Master if we could have a session. It has been weeks and the stress i feel over tomorrow well, i needed that to let go of me and feel Him instead.

i can’t wait until i am settled in and comfortable here, and at work…i can get back to myself again and we can continue where we left off.

all the while, a church was in session just yards away…

Master just woke me up by shoving His cock in my mouth. Seconds after it was hard, He ordered me to turn around and give Him my cunt. He shoved His cock in, my cunt still dry. my cunt hasn’t been fucked while it was dry since i was raped. It hurt for about a minute, after that minute i was wet. He slapped my ass, pulled my hair, chocked me. He asked me what i was (answer: a hole for use). i enjoy the fact that i am a hole for His use however, i was not anywhere near an orgasm myself. i didn’t want one.

He came. After a minute or so, He told me what our day’s schedule was to be. Then He told me to write here while He showered.

in the morning

i watched Master as He slept this morning. i am so lucky to ‘have’ Him. i am so happy that He took me, of all people. He’s so handsome. Almost everything about Him is freaking sexy. I say almost because His neuroses about toothpaste caps really …is a turn off. 🙂

I am thankful to have met, fallen in love with and to have been taken by a man such as Him.

a different slice

Wonderful things experienced since living with Master:

• laughing in bed at night with Him
• exploring the area with Him
• organizing everything (sounds unbelievable but i enjoy it)
• being able to be there when He arrives home from work
• being able to assist Him in every way: tending to errands so He doesn’t have to
• the evolution of lots of personal jokes (ex: nessie)
• conquering my fear of interviews
• seeing our communication skills deepen and mature
• nightly bed chaining
• being able to surprise visit Him at work with a special treat
• learning more about Him: habits, schedules, personal history, preferences
• nightly chats in bed together
• daily sex 🙂
• arranging our home together
• sitting on the floor by His feet
• going out on my own and exploring
• learning things about the community and sharing it with Him
• petting horses
• the peace
• no traffic, no crazy drivers, no homicides, generally friendly people
• living on His schedule, not on an employer’s
• daily hugs

fickle

Lately, i’ve experienced a different concern. i am worried that i am no longer attractive to Master because i have not been in that proper head space to the degree that i have in the past. Sometimes i think that our sex life is boring to Him, unappealing now.

We both know why all this is happening. It’s just a lot of adjustment.

i wish there was a way i could push past all of the hurdles inside just so i can please Him in that slave way. i am trying but i know it’s not enough.

i’m used to fickle relationships with little security. i’m used to having to work at making myself liked and likeable. The fact that i am concentrating so hard on keeping myself together so that i don’t fall apart is keeping me from working on making myself appealing to Him.

i’ve expended a lot of energy in those fickle relationships. i understand that Master loves me no matter what. It’s still difficult to break that pattern i have lived for so many years. It is foreign for me to think that at the end of the day, He is here and He WANTS to be here.

i really want to make Him happy, in every way. i wish that my sex drive wasn’t so non existant. i know that a big part of it is my medication, then the stress of finding a job. Even though my sex drive is non existant, i still desire sex. It’s the intimacy i need. i know i can’t cum and i don’t care about that, it feels as if there is a thick coat of wax resting between me and my orgasm. It’s difficult to reach, broken through rarely.