fickle

Lately, i’ve experienced a different concern. i am worried that i am no longer attractive to Master because i have not been in that proper head space to the degree that i have in the past. Sometimes i think that our sex life is boring to Him, unappealing now.

We both know why all this is happening. It’s just a lot of adjustment.

i wish there was a way i could push past all of the hurdles inside just so i can please Him in that slave way. i am trying but i know it’s not enough.

i’m used to fickle relationships with little security. i’m used to having to work at making myself liked and likeable. The fact that i am concentrating so hard on keeping myself together so that i don’t fall apart is keeping me from working on making myself appealing to Him.

i’ve expended a lot of energy in those fickle relationships. i understand that Master loves me no matter what. It’s still difficult to break that pattern i have lived for so many years. It is foreign for me to think that at the end of the day, He is here and He WANTS to be here.

i really want to make Him happy, in every way. i wish that my sex drive wasn’t so non existant. i know that a big part of it is my medication, then the stress of finding a job. Even though my sex drive is non existant, i still desire sex. It’s the intimacy i need. i know i can’t cum and i don’t care about that, it feels as if there is a thick coat of wax resting between me and my orgasm. It’s difficult to reach, broken through rarely.