I should apologize. To anyone who reads this and to my Master. I write here when I feel the urge and sometimes that urge is strongest when my emotions run high (like after our last fight). I don’t want people to worry unnecessarily. Neither do I want anyone to think that Master is a huge jackass.

We have our imperfections and I guess lately, I am only moved to write when I have a serious need to work through those imperfections. No, Master did not react to the news of the pregnancy in the way I would have preferred but that doesn’t mean He has not supported me. He has rubbed my back and held my hair while I suffered from morning sickness. Just last night, he nurtured me and calmed me down (no easy feat) when hormones ran high in me and I had a horrible panic attack. He is also, in His own time, becoming comfortable with the idea of being a father.

That aside, I have some other news to report. The doctors at the OB practice apparently don’t agree on the fact that I should remain on my anti depressant during pregnancy. I got the “Yes, stay on it….coping.. blah blah” then I get the “Well, if you have to… but it’s best to be on none at all” thing followed by “If you have to, I’m going to require a letter from your psychiatrist…”. Here I am again. To stay on or go off? This particular drug is the only one that has shown to work for me so it’s not a matter of which one is safer for the baby. This particular drug has been recently classified as a class “C”, which has shown to cause defects in babies. Maybe I can make it. In the last week or so, I have felt stronger. Then again, maybe that’s because of my meds.

We’ve seen the baby and have even heard it’s heart beat. Since that experience, I feel a bond growing inside me. It’s still strange though, to stop and realize that there’s someone growing inside me.

He just left, into the snow because he couldn’t stand being around me anymore. He’s angry. I don’t blame him. He said I am not the person he fell in love with years ago and I know I am not. I wish I could be that person again but I am so deep in this fucking depression that I am barely breathing. This is what is going to kill my marriage. I fucking hate it. I wish I could get out of it. I wish I could fucking be normal. I wish I could stop it. Just fucking stop it. I wish I could just end it. But all I can do is just sit on this couch. and be disgusting. i am so disgusting. i disgust myself.

I’m pregnant. At first, I was a mix of happy and terrified. Now I’m just terrified. How am I going to do this? I spoke with my Psychiatrist, and off the meds I go for the good of the baby. I am keeping up with weekly therapy to help me through. It is a high risk pregnancy without the psychological factor. Will I have this baby or will it have me? Is this how it is? Is this normal? Every day for the past 4 days I have wondered how I’ll make it through this. Do I even want a kid? I feel guilt for having all of these thoughts.

It’s bad in my head. And I wonder about Master. He’s not doing well, either. He’s just as scared as I am, just as shocked. I think he’s depressed, too. He’s with me in the bell jar. I feel like I took him down into it. I feel a lot of guilt, all over. I know my sickness brings him down.

It’s a fight. Going to have to dig deep.

you were a little leaf that trembled on my chest. Life’s wind put you there. At first I did not see you: I did not know that you were walking with me until your roots pierced my chest, joined the threads of my blood, spoke through my mouth, flourished with me.~~~ Pablo Neruda

I have stabilized some. Some. I continue intensive therapy and also visit the psychiatrist to monitor my medication, etc. For a few weeks there, I thought my medicine was perfected but I think I was wrong.

My sex drive is low to almost non existent. I know that Master often reads kink blogs, watches kink porn and even looks at kink profiles online. Those things did not bother me so much when I was engaged with him on a kink level. It bothers me more now. I feel like I am starving him of something he needs and well, I can not help from shouldering that blame. How can you expect someone to live without something they desire so badly?

The deeper I delve into therapy, the more I wonder if I will ever return to the lifestyle. I feel like my trail of bread crumbs will age and blow away behind me. Sometimes, from that new place I am in, I look at lifestyle and I feel a level of disgust. Not for anyone else, but me. I see that it is quite possible that although I certainly did *enjoy* kink immensely, I ended up on that path because of physical and emotional abuse and my own neglect to properly address these things and how they affected me.

Sometimes, I think back on life as it was when I was a mistress. Engaging in kink with him was a drug for me. It gave me a high, it gave me solace and escape. Even sometimes, when stressed, I find myself aching to feel it again and I know the need is born from insecurity and fear.

It’s a long process. I think I am under here, somewhere.

Life has changed dramatically. I no longer write here because the small shred of submission that I held has been demolished by feelings of hopelessness, emotional blackness. Depression. I have been and still am close to admitting myself into an inpatient facility for treatment of this…black dog.

I have good and bad days. The good days are nowhere near to what a healthy person feels on a good day. Good days are when the pain doesn’t manage to cripple me. The bad days are unbearable. I am ashamed to admit that Master has had to help dress me on those days.

Medication has been tough on me. The psychiatrist is trying to find what helps. One medicine nearly had me catatonic. Master, my therapist and I have decided to intensify my treatment. I’ll see her multiple times a week. I’ll see the psychiatrist multiple times a month. Hopefully this plan will work and there will be no need to have me admitted to a facility.

I worry about Master. I am very aware, very sensitive to how much this can affect Him. He has been as supportive as anyone could possibly be. Every day, no matter how deep my darkness, I am always thankful for Him.

Master has declared tomorrow as a ‘protocol’ day. All day, without a break, I must let go and follow Him no matter what. That used to be pretty much the norm. Since I moved in a year ago, we have strayed away from any sort of protocol. I’m fearful of what will happen. It’s been so long since I’ve been in a position of complete submission for more than a couple of minutes at a time.

It will be very tough to let go. I’ll try. Maybe I will find something.

It wasn’t really a storm. There was enough instability in the atmosphere to lend to random lightning strikes in the mountain area. It was just before dawn, about 5am. Lightning struck very, very close to the house. Woke me up immediately, panicked and breathing hard for I had been stunned out of a deep sleep. Master’s arms reached out and pulled me into His chest. He always sleeps so deep. Nightmares often wake me in the same manner but Master never knows. Felt so good. I was protected.

opening a fantasy

Again, I fantasized about Master fucking another woman. Masturbated to it last evening and I came so fast that I could barely put together a scenario in my head. Took that frustration and seduced Master last night. We enjoyed one hot, rrrrrough fuck.

We pretended like I was another woman that Master was fucking. The fantasy was that I was watching Master use her. The idea of simply watching that is astoundingly hot. Afterward, while sharing our feelings over the experience, it came to light that I was also very comfortable with Master using another woman for D/s…not just sex.

That’s a slow evolution for me. I’m very secure in Him and I’d like to see Him pleased. If that means using multiple submissives then lets go. Since I have let go of jealousy, I am ready to say I am ok with Him having that option should He desire them.

I have to wonder, also… beyond being secure in Him…. how much of this is a subconscious way of letting Him have kink since I haven’t been very active in it?

Either way. Last night was hot and kinky. My husband is hot. He’s got a strong, perverted, Dominant mind and i love that i am His.